Oh Kay

At the recommendation of my counselor and the request of my dear friend, Cindy, I have been tasked to write about you. Yet, I have been sitting here for days. I have been trying to figure out what to say, trying to muster up the strength to sit face to face with this grief and carry the weight of this heavy heart. How do I come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely no possible way to put into words -- words that you will now never get to hear -- exactly what and how much you mean to me? But you, Dr. Franklin, would simply not stand for hesitancy, for stagnation. And I can almost guarantee that you would not want the tears. You would expect and demand action. So while I can't promise you that it will be as pretty as the sutures you taught me to throw or as clean as the gallbladder fossa s/p lap chole, here I am and I am moving. 

Clark Reflection Series Prompt: How is your search for meaning going? Response: My search for meaning is evanescent. And I’m not quite sure that I’m actually looking for it Because it feels more like it just keeps finding me. But never in the same place And absolutely never in the same headspace. I’d like to think my purpose for this life, meaning for whatever this journey is Is to find and create happiness. This is a constant. But the who, the what, where, when, how and why that happiness is Is constantly changing. Evanescent. I feel as if I can’t waste my time searching Because the second I think I find what I’m looking for The universe shifts and moves this destination right out from under my feet. My meaning for yesterday is not what it was today. What I strive for tomorrow will likely do the same. What makes me happy is new. What makes me happy will always be new. And I’m okay with that. Last month I was hiking up a mountain with my dad and We talked...

I feel so empty here. I thought that I would find my place but All that I have now is space, so empty. Floating in the background of everyone else's lives only to be Called to the front when they need something from me. When there is something they need to take and yet Every single time I give it all away so easily. Without hesitation, I give you a piece Breaking off a piece of my soul that I keep trading as a bargaining chip That I'm hoping you'll take to accept me. But you never even wanted me in the first place. I was only brought here to take up space. My existence is only of interest because thrifting has become a fad. And second-hand goods now make you look trendy. So use me up to make yourself feel more desirable. And return me to this empty space when you're done, leaving me Stale. And musty. Don't worry. I'll clean myself up as usual.

I wish you could have met me when I was happier. You might have loved me then. And I don't know why I say "then" like its a time in my existence that I could pinpoint Because I can't. And you didn't. You found me in the exact moment in time when I was Begging not to be found, In this headspace where I was praying not to be seen, And you saw me. You pulled off my armor with such grace and Effortless intention, Until I was standing there right in front of you. Completely naked, But comfortably. My mind was not ready to be this vulnerable, but my heart was so damn Comfortable. I was supposed to know better by now. I have taught myself to be afraid of men. Men have repeatedly taught me to be afraid of men. But I was not afraid of you. I am not afraid of you. I have been telling myself over and over again that I am too raw to be touched. My heart never fucking listens to me. But you did.

Clark Reflection Series Prompt: Through your writing, take me to a place where you find rest. Response: The smell of earth surrounds me. Forearm deep in store bought soil because this life I live has me three floors off the ground. I so easily twist my hands, squeezing tight to this dirt only to lift up and watch it so beautifully fall out of my grasp. I could care less about the mess coating my pants or the dirt finding home behind these fingernails that I probably shouldn’t have painted in the first place. I have to fight you to take you out of your home. My most delicate battle to date, being careful not to tear the very roots that you shot out, clinging to this earth that you owned. Little by little, I remove the dirt you inhabited. Ridding you of the wasteland that left you stagnant and grounding you in a space of new, fresh earth. Embracing change, you drive your roots deeper even though chances are I am going to do this same damn thing again to you soon. ...

Week 1 - Medicine: Why did you decide to pursue medicine? What has motivated you to continue? What keeps you calm? For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a doctor. My mom used to tell stories about the tiny human version of myself telling people that I wanted to be a "brain doctor" and not a "heart doctor" because if I messed up someone's brain, at least they wouldn't totally die. Yes, I know -- completely backward and  morbid  logic for a child. But regardless, it had always just been a matter of fact that I was going to one day become a doctor. When trying to write my personal statement for medical school and practicing interview questions, I reflected hard on this question repeatedly. And let me tell you -- trying to put into words the  reason  behind my biggest dream since a child was extremely difficult for me. I had no tragedy. No one in my family was a physician. I hadn't watched anyone I loved endure some tough medical illness...