Evanescent

Clark Reflection Series Prompt:

How is your search for meaning going?

Response:

My search for meaning is evanescent.
And I’m not quite sure that I’m actually looking for it
Because it feels more like it just keeps finding me.
But never in the same place
And absolutely never in the same headspace.

I’d like to think my purpose for this life, meaning for whatever this journey is
Is to find and create happiness.
This is a constant.

But the who, the what, where, when, how and why that happiness is
Is constantly changing.
Evanescent.

I feel as if I can’t waste my time searching
Because the second I think I find what I’m looking for
The universe shifts and moves this destination right out from under my feet.

My meaning for yesterday is not what it was today.
What I strive for tomorrow will likely do the same.
What makes me happy is new.
What makes me happy will always be new.

And I’m okay with that.

Last month I was hiking up a mountain with my dad and
We talked a lot about my future and the lack of absolutely any insight about wherever the hell it is headed.
And on the way down this mountain, I felt differently about the very things I was pondering on the way up.

I have grown to be so comfortable with change.
Moving pieces in my life have constantly proven to be a good thing.
Moving pieces out of my life has constantly proven to be a good thing.

So I think I am content with whatever this search for meaning is
Or rather the lack thereof.
Because I know that it will find me and leave me again just as quickly.
Keeping itself just out of reach.
Evanescent.

Evanescent (2018) Oil Painting by Christopher Lyter

Comments

"We are sorry, you did not match to any position."

For the very first time today I can finally say that I understand Passive suicidal ideation. An abstract symptomatology Now clear as day As I sit here wishing that I wasn’t Trying to scream for help But unable to catch enough air to do so. It took me over 57 hours To admit to my parents that my lifelong dream, My 3 degrees and now almost 4, Those 9 straight years of missing out, And half a million dollars of student debt Has all surmounted to nothing. I have been in this constant cycle Of holding my breath Waiting to exhale while I Work, and wait, and hope That everything I have done and endured and accomplished Would in someone else’s universe Be enough. I am adaptable, compassionate, and resilient. My hands are warm. They are steady. And they are talented. I am an unrelenting advocate for my patients and my peers and for wellness. I have given every ounce of myself to Every single team I have ever been apart of And it seems that I have ...

Thank you, Dr. Franklin.

At the recommendation of my counselor and the request of my dear friend, Cindy, I have been tasked to write about you. Yet, I have been sitting here for days. I have been trying to figure out what to say, trying to muster up the strength to sit face to face with this grief and carry the weight of this heavy heart. How do I come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely no possible way to put into words -- words that you will now never get to hear -- exactly what and how much you mean to me? But you, Dr. Franklin, would simply not stand for hesitancy, for stagnation. And I can almost guarantee that you would not want the tears. You would expect and demand action. So while I can't promise you that it will be as pretty as the sutures you taught me to throw or as clean as the gallbladder fossa s/p lap chole, here I am and I am moving.

Empty

I feel so empty here. I thought that I would find my place but All that I have now is space, so empty. Floating in the background of everyone else's lives only to be Called to the front when they need something from me. When there is something they need to take and yet Every single time I give it all away so easily. Without hesitation, I give you a piece Breaking off a piece of my soul that I keep trading as a bargaining chip That I'm hoping you'll take to accept me. But you never even wanted me in the first place. I was only brought here to take up space. My existence is only of interest because thrifting has become a fad. And second-hand goods now make you look trendy. So use me up to make yourself feel more desirable. And return me to this empty space when you're done, leaving me Stale. And musty. Don't worry. I'll clean myself up as usual.

Oh Kay

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