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Medicine chose me.

Week 1 - Medicine: Why did you decide to pursue medicine? What has motivated you to continue? What keeps you calm?

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a doctor. My mom used to tell stories about the tiny human version of myself telling people that I wanted to be a "brain doctor" and not a "heart doctor" because if I messed up someone's brain, at least they wouldn't totally die. Yes, I know -- completely backward and morbid logic for a child. But regardless, it had always just been a matter of fact that I was going to one day become a doctor.

When trying to write my personal statement for medical school and practicing interview questions, I reflected hard on this question repeatedly. And let me tell you -- trying to put into words the reason behind my biggest dream since a child was extremely difficult for me. I had no tragedy. No one in my family was a physician. I hadn't watched anyone I loved endure some tough medical illness. I had really not even spent much time shadowing doctors. I had no obvious connection to medicine, no typical/clear footsteps to follow. And without a doubt, every single time that I reflected on my why, I came straight back to the simple idea that I wanted to help people. Cliche. I know. But this was just fact -- my simple truth. Concrete.

Now, obviously, when applying to medical school, you can't just write your personal statement saying "Hey! I wanna help people. So accept me. Please. K thanks. Bye." I had to do a lot more soul searching here. What finally got me past my block was when rather than asking myself why I wanted to do medicine, I started asking myself why I wanted to help people. For some reason, taking the prestige and intimidation of being a doctor out of the conversation and grounding myself to the very realistic vision of helping people made this dream so much less lofty. And it was here, in wondering why exactly it was that I wanted to help people that I found my story and answer.

It still blows my mind sometimes to think about how something that so clearly defined my being could be so hard for me to even articulate in the first place and sometimes still is to this day. But alas, thanks to my dear friend Annie's writing prompts, I will give this another go.

Growing up was easy. My parents worked a lot to make ends meet, yet I never remember feeling short on love or attention. And while we didn't have much, they struggled with such poise that I had never even known the difference. I grew up watching my parents give every minute of their free time to everyone but themselves and do so with grace. The lives of the people around them always mattered, regardless of the situation we were in ourselves. I was raised in a home with parents who live their lives as compassionate, servant leaders and cherish the connections they make with the people around them. I watched them repeatedly change peoples' lives and constantly give. Reflecting on them, I finally realized that I had never needed an epic story or a physician's footsteps to follow to inspire me, guide me, or rationalize this drive I had for medicine. I had felt this fire in my gut to serve those around me for my entire life because it was literally in my blood.

I decided to pursue medicine because I have a passion for people. I find joy in building relationships with others, in becoming a part of one's story and in learning about the intimate parts of a person that makes them vulnerable and whole. I am in constant awe of the way that these relationships impact and influence me. I chose medicine because it is the perfect place to practice this passion, entering another's story at some of the most uncomfortable/hardest/scariest moments of their lives and connecting through those very emotions in order to walk away changed even if just the slightest.  

Medicine chose me because it is at equilibrium with the most rudimentary needs of my soul.

Every single day in medicine, this need for human connection is fulfilled. This is the exact feeling that has kept me motivated on even the hardest days of my education thus far. Something that I have come to learn very quickly about the third year of medical school is that our clinical education is so dependent on the preceptor and location, but the patients that I get to interact with daily are a constant. I have found that no matter what emotions are weighing me down, I can walk into a patient's room and instantly it is lifted - I am lifted.

Every single day, I am reminded that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, pursuing exactly what I am meant to pursue. And if that isn't calming, I don't know what is.

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