Oh Kay

For the very first time today I can finally say that I understand   Passive suicidal ideation. An abstract symptomatology   Now clear as day As I sit here wishing that I wasn’t Trying to scream for help But unable to catch enough air to do so. It took me over 57 hours   To admit to my parents that my lifelong dream, My 3 degrees and now almost 4, Those 9 straight years of missing out, And half a million dollars of student debt Has all surmounted to nothing. I have been in this constant cycle   Of holding my breath Waiting to exhale while I   Work, and wait, and hope That everything I have done and endured and accomplished Would in someone else’s universe   Be enough. I am adaptable, compassionate, and resilient. My hands are warm. They are steady. And they are talented. I am an unrelenting advocate for my patients and my peers and for wellness. I have given every ounce of myself to   Every single team I have ever been apart of And it seems that I have ...

At the recommendation of my counselor and the request of my dear friend, Cindy, I have been tasked to write about you. Yet, I have been sitting here for days. I have been trying to figure out what to say, trying to muster up the strength to sit face to face with this grief and carry the weight of this heavy heart. How do I come to terms with the fact that there is absolutely no possible way to put into words -- words that you will now never get to hear -- exactly what and how much you mean to me? But you, Dr. Franklin, would simply not stand for hesitancy, for stagnation. And I can almost guarantee that you would not want the tears. You would expect and demand action. So while I can't promise you that it will be as pretty as the sutures you taught me to throw or as clean as the gallbladder fossa s/p lap chole, here I am and I am moving. 

Clark Reflection Series Prompt: How is your search for meaning going? Response: My search for meaning is evanescent. And I’m not quite sure that I’m actually looking for it Because it feels more like it just keeps finding me. But never in the same place And absolutely never in the same headspace. I’d like to think my purpose for this life, meaning for whatever this journey is Is to find and create happiness. This is a constant. But the who, the what, where, when, how and why that happiness is Is constantly changing. Evanescent. I feel as if I can’t waste my time searching Because the second I think I find what I’m looking for The universe shifts and moves this destination right out from under my feet. My meaning for yesterday is not what it was today. What I strive for tomorrow will likely do the same. What makes me happy is new. What makes me happy will always be new. And I’m okay with that. Last month I was hiking up a mountain with my dad and We talked...

I feel so empty here. I thought that I would find my place but All that I have now is space, so empty. Floating in the background of everyone else's lives only to be Called to the front when they need something from me. When there is something they need to take and yet Every single time I give it all away so easily. Without hesitation, I give you a piece Breaking off a piece of my soul that I keep trading as a bargaining chip That I'm hoping you'll take to accept me. But you never even wanted me in the first place. I was only brought here to take up space. My existence is only of interest because thrifting has become a fad. And second-hand goods now make you look trendy. So use me up to make yourself feel more desirable. And return me to this empty space when you're done, leaving me Stale. And musty. Don't worry. I'll clean myself up as usual.

I wish you could have met me when I was happier. You might have loved me then. And I don't know why I say "then" like its a time in my existence that I could pinpoint Because I can't. And you didn't. You found me in the exact moment in time when I was Begging not to be found, In this headspace where I was praying not to be seen, And you saw me. You pulled off my armor with such grace and Effortless intention, Until I was standing there right in front of you. Completely naked, But comfortably. My mind was not ready to be this vulnerable, but my heart was so damn Comfortable. I was supposed to know better by now. I have taught myself to be afraid of men. Men have repeatedly taught me to be afraid of men. But I was not afraid of you. I am not afraid of you. I have been telling myself over and over again that I am too raw to be touched. My heart never fucking listens to me. But you did.

Clark Reflection Series Prompt: Through your writing, take me to a place where you find rest. Response: The smell of earth surrounds me. Forearm deep in store bought soil because this life I live has me three floors off the ground. I so easily twist my hands, squeezing tight to this dirt only to lift up and watch it so beautifully fall out of my grasp. I could care less about the mess coating my pants or the dirt finding home behind these fingernails that I probably shouldn’t have painted in the first place. I have to fight you to take you out of your home. My most delicate battle to date, being careful not to tear the very roots that you shot out, clinging to this earth that you owned. Little by little, I remove the dirt you inhabited. Ridding you of the wasteland that left you stagnant and grounding you in a space of new, fresh earth. Embracing change, you drive your roots deeper even though chances are I am going to do this same damn thing again to you soon. ...

Week 1 - Medicine: Why did you decide to pursue medicine? What has motivated you to continue? What keeps you calm? For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a doctor. My mom used to tell stories about the tiny human version of myself telling people that I wanted to be a "brain doctor" and not a "heart doctor" because if I messed up someone's brain, at least they wouldn't totally die. Yes, I know -- completely backward and  morbid  logic for a child. But regardless, it had always just been a matter of fact that I was going to one day become a doctor. When trying to write my personal statement for medical school and practicing interview questions, I reflected hard on this question repeatedly. And let me tell you -- trying to put into words the  reason  behind my biggest dream since a child was extremely difficult for me. I had no tragedy. No one in my family was a physician. I hadn't watched anyone I loved endure some tough medical illness...

For an incredibly long five years, I loved him. I loved him hard and almost blindly. And not necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that allowed me to do so blissfully. Blissfully ignorant to the months worth of signs that he plastered around our home disguised as weekends away with the boys. When he finally decided to leave, he did more than just break me. I shattered. But I did more than just survive. I picked up every last shard of myself off of the ground and put them back together into some sort of mosaic that reflected just enough light to attract you -- drawing you in to the same exact warmth that had forced him to run away in the first place. Instead, you tightly embraced me until you were engulfed in my flames. So suddenly and so easily we became fire. What we had was fire. One that warmed the deepest parts of our souls, shining brightly on the darkest parts of ourselves so that for once we could feel as if we were finally seen, proving to us that the cold that s...

Art Credit Clark Reflection Series Prompt: Write about a rich sensory experience- a time where you experienced touch, sound, smell, sight, taste.... in a particularly vivid, striking way. Response:  The concrete was cool, But the air was not. And the air between us was most definitely not. I don't remember why, but I scooted closer to you. And I don't remember how but in one swift movement You pulled me up onto your lap. I had never felt so light. Light maybe because your strength made me Feel so physically small, But more likely because of the life you breathed into me. When we kissed for that first time, It was the feeling of your lips. They were different. The feeling of your lips On my teeth Because for some silly reason I just couldn't stop smiling. With just one inhale, I breathed all of you in. Your soul running through my entire body, Every inch of me, touching you, Now tingling with air and with life.

Alongside a group of my peers, I did something brave today. We did something brave today. Background Information: As many of you know, I have the honor and privilege of serving as UIWSOM's SGA President. As part of this role, I also serve on the Council of Osteopathic Student Government Presidents (COSGP) and as a Student Delegate for the Texas Osteopathic Medical Association (TOMA). I spent this past week in Chigaco, Illinois at the Summer COSGP Conference and at the American Osteopathic Association (AOA) House of Delegates (HOD). At our COSGP Conferences, we work on professional/leadership development and collaborate with presidents and representatives from every other osteopathic medical school in the nation to develop ideas and solve problems to collectively improve each and every one of each other's schools. This was my third conference with COSGP, and it was just as energizing and inspiring as before. We developed ideas and initiatives to bring back to our schools f...

Clark Reflection Series - Prompt:  What happens when “Time Stands Still”? Take some time to reflect upon moments in your life when time has stopped. What or who caused/causes time to stand still for you? How did you feel in that moment, and what have you learned or realized from that experience? Response:  The first boy I fell in love with had the bluest of eyes, curly curly hair, & mini pecas all over his face. Yeah, I know. Dreamy. He took me on this date to Gruene once. We ate at the Gristmill, got some ice cream from the corner store, walked around boutiques. Y ou know, all that cheesy stuff. At one of these massively expensive boutiques, Johnny Cash came on.   And we stopped.   He pulled me in close and we danced. Even though he never danced. We slow danced without fear or all the "You break it, you buy it" signs. Slow danced while I stared into his  beautiful and he into my quite ordinary eyes.   And time stopped. So ...

Written for my Humans of UIWSOM blog post. A couple of months ago, I watched an amazingly strong woman tell her story to the entire Council of Osteopathic Student Government Presidents. She stood in front of a large room, full of the leaders from each osteopathic medical school across the nation and showed an immense amount of strength by choosing to be vulnerable – to be vulnerable in order to empower others. Over the next few weeks, I watched e v e r y  s i n g l e testimony in the case against the monster called by Larry Nassar. I watched each young woman tell their story. And tell it loudly. Recently, a friend of mine told me her story. And although her story was told behind closed doors, it was told with the same amount of strength and power as exemplified by all of the women who I watched share their stories with the nation. And so finally, here I am. I am not nearly as brave, not nearly as strong, as I sit here behind my screen. But here I am, to finally (and very v...

So quick blurb: While in my masters program at TCOM, I joined this organization called MIND (Mentality Initiative to Nurture DOctors). This organization focuses on advocating for the emotional, mental, physical, holistic health of medical students, and the faculty and staff at SOM. With their permission, I was able to bring this organization to UIWSOM and start it at my own medical school. One thing I was particularly excited to do was to help plan events that would facilitate a deeper connection between the students and the faculty/staff on campus. Yesterday, we had our introductory meeting (open to all) and ended with our very first Clark Reflection Series. Much like one of the reflections I've posted on my blog before, we were given a prompt and an opportunity to write. After writing, we sat in small groups and read our work aloud (the hardest part for me), followed by positive feedback from our partners listening. The reflection topic was Crises and Epiphanies , and we were...

Dear UIWSOM peers, If Eric Cassell is accurate with respect to the nature of suffering, then I know what suffering is. Cassell describes that suffering can come from a loss of self in relation to the world, whether it be things, events, or relationships. His description of suffering most resonated with me in the aspect of loss of relationships, more specifically the relationship with myself. During my junior year of college, I began working on my application to medical school – MCAT, essays, applications, more essays. After what seemed like constant and continuous year of working and applying towards my lifelong dream, I didn’t even get a single interview. I failed. And this failure was somewhat of an identity crisis for me. I knew how to fail on the soccer field, how to let my teammates down, how to get problems wrong in the classroom, but I had absolutely no idea how to fail at what I had considered my life or how to let myself down. I hated the idea of failing, and as my ow...