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"We are sorry, you did not match to any position."

For the very first time today

I can finally say that I understand 

Passive suicidal ideation.


An abstract symptomatology 

Now clear as day

As I sit here wishing that I wasn’t

Trying to scream for help

But unable to catch enough air to do so.


It took me over 57 hours 

To admit to my parents that my lifelong dream,

My 3 degrees and now almost 4,

Those 9 straight years of missing out,

And half a million dollars of student debt

Has all surmounted to nothing.


I have been in this constant cycle 

Of holding my breath

Waiting to exhale while I 

Work, and wait, and hope

That everything I have done and endured and accomplished

Would in someone else’s universe 

Be enough.


I am adaptable, compassionate, and resilient.

My hands are warm. They are steady. And they are talented.

I am an unrelenting advocate for my patients and my peers and for wellness.

I have given every ounce of myself to 

Every single team I have ever been apart of

And it seems that I have served everyone well

Except for myself.


Despite all of my successes, my accolades, my dreams

I have failed.

I have worked my entire life to ensure that

I am the furthest thing from a failure

And still, I have failed.

Comments

  1. B-NerdyApril 12, 2021 at 9:42 PM

    Things will be better. It must be hard but you are stronger than you think. Best wishes to you. Rise up once again, you never know what awaits you.

    ReplyDelete

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