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"We are sorry, you did not match to any position."

For the very first time today

I can finally say that I understand 

Passive suicidal ideation.


An abstract symptomatology 

Now clear as day

As I sit here wishing that I wasn’t

Trying to scream for help

But unable to catch enough air to do so.


It took me over 57 hours 

To admit to my parents that my lifelong dream,

My 3 degrees and now almost 4,

Those 9 straight years of missing out,

And half a million dollars of student debt

Has all surmounted to nothing.


I have been in this constant cycle 

Of holding my breath

Waiting to exhale while I 

Work, and wait, and hope

That everything I have done and endured and accomplished

Would in someone else’s universe 

Be enough.


I am adaptable, compassionate, and resilient.

My hands are warm. They are steady. And they are talented.

I am an unrelenting advocate for my patients and my peers and for wellness.

I have given every ounce of myself to 

Every single team I have ever been apart of

And it seems that I have served everyone well

Except for myself.


Despite all of my successes, my accolades, my dreams

I have failed.

I have worked my entire life to ensure that

I am the furthest thing from a failure

And still, I have failed.

Comments

  1. Things will be better. It must be hard but you are stronger than you think. Best wishes to you. Rise up once again, you never know what awaits you.

    ReplyDelete

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