Oh Kay

Clark Reflection Series Prompt: How is your search for meaning going? Response: My search for meaning is evanescent. And I’m not quite sure that I’m actually looking for it Because it feels more like it just keeps finding me. But never in the same place And absolutely never in the same headspace. I’d like to think my purpose for this life, meaning for whatever this journey is Is to find and create happiness. This is a constant. But the who, the what, where, when, how and why that happiness is Is constantly changing. Evanescent. I feel as if I can’t waste my time searching Because the second I think I find what I’m looking for The universe shifts and moves this destination right out from under my feet. My meaning for yesterday is not what it was today. What I strive for tomorrow will likely do the same. What makes me happy is new. What makes me happy will always be new. And I’m okay with that. Last month I was hiking up a mountain with my dad and We talked...

I feel so empty here. I thought that I would find my place but All that I have now is space, so empty. Floating in the background of everyone else's lives only to be Called to the front when they need something from me. When there is something they need to take and yet Every single time I give it all away so easily. Without hesitation, I give you a piece Breaking off a piece of my soul that I keep trading as a bargaining chip That I'm hoping you'll take to accept me. But you never even wanted me in the first place. I was only brought here to take up space. My existence is only of interest because thrifting has become a fad. And second-hand goods now make you look trendy. So use me up to make yourself feel more desirable. And return me to this empty space when you're done, leaving me Stale. And musty. Don't worry. I'll clean myself up as usual.

I wish you could have met me when I was happier. You might have loved me then. And I don't know why I say "then" like its a time in my existence that I could pinpoint Because I can't. And you didn't. You found me in the exact moment in time when I was Begging not to be found, In this headspace where I was praying not to be seen, And you saw me. You pulled off my armor with such grace and Effortless intention, Until I was standing there right in front of you. Completely naked, But comfortably. My mind was not ready to be this vulnerable, but my heart was so damn Comfortable. I was supposed to know better by now. I have taught myself to be afraid of men. Men have repeatedly taught me to be afraid of men. But I was not afraid of you. I am not afraid of you. I have been telling myself over and over again that I am too raw to be touched. My heart never fucking listens to me. But you did.