Dear UIWSOM peers,
If Eric Cassell is accurate with respect to the nature of
suffering, then I know what suffering is. Cassell describes that suffering can
come from a loss of self in relation to the world, whether it be things,
events, or relationships. His description of suffering most resonated with me
in the aspect of loss of relationships, more specifically the relationship with
myself.
During my junior year of college, I began working on my
application to medical school – MCAT, essays, applications, more essays. After
what seemed like constant and continuous year of working and applying towards
my lifelong dream, I didn’t even get a single interview. I failed. And this
failure was somewhat of an identity crisis for me. I knew how to fail on the soccer
field, how to let my teammates down, how to get problems wrong in the
classroom, but I had absolutely no idea how to fail at what I had considered my
life or how to let myself down. I hated the idea of failing, and as my own
definition of “self” molded into “failure”, I began to hate myself.
February 1st, 2016 – The Texas Medical and Dental
School Application Services Match Day. By this day of my senior year, I did not
have a single interview offer and I finally knew – really knew, not just
wondering or hoping anymore – that I did not get into medical school. My
“failure” finally had the official stamp on it. That day I called my dad and
just cried. And instead of doing his normal dad thing where he would tell me to
make sure I had back up plans and what not, he just listened, told me that I wasn’t an outlier, and took the time to
remind me that I was good enough – even if I had to take small detour to get where
I wanted to be. I had just spent four years at a small university with only a
handful of pre-med majors. I was mostly surrounded by peers who only made fun
of my concerns with getting a ‘B’ in a class and couldn’t understand my fear of
failure when they only outwardly saw my previous successes. I cannot even begin
to explain the impact that my dad had on me that day when he decided to listen
to my pain without hesitation and without an ounce of judgement.
My dad understood here Cassell’s notion that suffering is a
personal matter which can only be known to the sufferer. Although he may not
have fully understood my collapsed relationship with myself, he didn’t try to
diagnose or write off the reason behind or the extent of my suffering. Instead,
he listened. He showed empathy. He helped me regain my footing to stand tall
and keep pushing forward. Over the next month, I started planning the route of
my detour to put me back on my path towards medical school. As I regained my
confidence and was reminded of my purpose, my relationship with myself began to
mend. And now here I am – in medical school a year and half later and thriving.
I think it is so easy to forget about nurturing one’s
relationship with themselves. Sure, every day we may interact with other people
and other things, reminding us of the relationships we have built or are
building around us. But it is all too easy
to forget to look in the mirror and maintain a healthy relationship with
oneself. Sometimes we even forget that such a relationship exists. However, the
more that I heal, grow, and reflect, the more I understand the massive role that
self-love plays in personhood and the interconnectedness of the mind, body,
spirit.
Class of 2021: To love others, we must first love ourselves.
Yet in loving others, we must also remember a person’s capacity to lose that
self-connection. While some of us may suffer differently, it is important remember
that ALL of us are fearfully and
wonderfully made.
Sioned Kirkpatrick
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