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My 1st Fart


Since I'm coming up on the 4yr anniversary of this very unfortunate event, it is time that I finally tell y'all the story about what clearly wasn't actually my first fart, but more-so the first fart that exposed me for who I really am to my boyfriend and some of his closest friends.

It was March 2013, just a couple of weeks into our relationship. It was the beginning of spring break. This was our freshman year SB and we wanted to go big, so the six of us were heading off to SPI for a few days. On the way down, we decided to pit stop and stay the night at my parent's house.

Like the cool kids we were, we decided to pass some time playing on the XBOX -- mostly with Dance Central on the Kinect. If you don't know how that works, basically 2 people dance battle each other to see not who can actually dance better, but who can match their hands and feet movements best to the game. This all involves videos, pictures, loud music, etc. while the rest of the crew sits around and watches.

Feat. Taylor Reynolds hitting his best Riri pose
So there are 2 important things that you must know to understand the severity of this fart:
      1. Sitting there and watching people play Dance Central can get kinda boring after a while, so if you're like me you might start doing weird things to distract yourself.
      2. When you hang out with guys allllll day, especially some that you don't know that well, you hold in all your farts. You hold them in no matter how painful it is. You hold them in no matter how intense the gas build up gets. You hold them in to uphold the belief that ladies only poop butterflies and fart rainbows.

What guys believe happens

And the story continues.
So during round 381972 of Dance Central, my sister and I were getting kind of bored, and we started playing that airplane game. You know the one where one person lays on the ground and the other on is balancing on their feet while "airplane-ing" through the air? Why do this in front of all these people? Idk. Because we could. Or so we thought....

At some point in this airplane, we lost balance. My feet pushed forward, propelling (hah, get it?) her body forward towards mine. Both of her hands came down to catch herself, and it would have been successful if it hadn't been for the fact that both of her hands -- bearing her entire weight -- came directly down on the lower half of my stomach. You know that part of your stomach that gets all tense and full after holding in your glittery rainbows all day. And without any control, I let out the loudest cargo ship horn of a fart that I have ever heard. And let me tell you, it sounded nothing like unicorn's laughter.

Immediately, everyone stopped what they were doing. No more Dance Central. No more staring at their phones. No more jamming to music. Just staring at me in shock. While my friend Molly and my sister were over in the corner dying laughing, each guy in the room slowly took a seat to contemplate everything that they thought they knew in life. My boyfriend of not even a month (who was sitting next to me) got up and walked across the room to sit on the couch of confusion with the other guys.

After about the longest 1.5 minutes of my entire life of silence, Lalo finally got back up and walked over to me. He sat down next to me and looked at me straight in the eyes -- piercing my freakin soul.

"Sioned, did you just fart?"


And before I could even crawl out of my hole of self-loathing and sheepishly say yes, he cuts me off:

"Because you just blew me away."


As if mentally blocking this trauma from his mind, we went and had a fabulous spring break. To this day, his friends - now our friends - have never let me live that glittery puff of unicorn laughter down.

Feat. Lalo, Isaac, and Molly;
all of us with pretty much the same expression as they had after my 1st fart.
-- SB'13

Feat. Lalo still loving me -- SB'13




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